There to ok

There. 

Right there. 

Right there between 

the eye sockets

maybe 

 8 years

ago

back in time 

the water funnels 

the opposite way 

liquids mix together 

emotions lost

never wanted

certainty

ok

it was only the morning

Wake up to love. 

Eyes opened 

(relief)

Breathe to love. Live to love. 

Connect feet to floor

Stare

Use my legs to love

 enter bathroom

Use my hands to love

 bed made 

breakfast served

Use my mouth to love

open. close. chew. swallow

 fix my problems I cannot

trousers on

love unconditionally I cannot

tie shoes

Maintain correspondence I cannot

shirt snug

 love myself I cannot

teeth clean

Taming the robotic redundancy of 3 stage thought
Impossible

"What a day to live!"

"Don't stretch the truth. It will just stay that way, disfigured."

 "This can't be all. But I assure you it is."

No energy to thrash it out alone.

I cannot.

¿artistry?

So I have quite a lot of short random videos from different places I've been over the past years. Here are a few of those mashed together with some guitar I recorded 2 years ago while living in Qatar.

Something I began in January of this year is to get a song recorded each month (with vocals). My desire to create music grows stronger each day. I have a lot of instrumental stuff dating back to the years of 2007 when I made rap songs like this one . But have yet to really be pleased by anything I've written thus far in 2011. Songs like the Freewriters (the rap song) are easy to listen to because it was something fun and lighthearted. Now I am trying to incorporate that into my song writing while staying true to convictions and purpose of creating music. I'm still debating whether to begin posting them online for public opinion. This is a step I will have to take in the near future, but for now I leave y'all wondering.

One of my struggles with song writing is the battle between what I write and my intentions of writing.

Anyways, here is the video (click below). It opens with a shot from when I first was in the Middle East and went near the border that lies between Saudi Arabia and Qatar. Then it is just shots of marsupials, a PE field trip, Southern Right whales in Argentina, and un golazo at a Brazilian Soccer game at the Maracaná in Rio de Janeiro to close it up. Enjoy!

Video

split between unconcern & a sense of purpose

I am split between unconcern and sense of purpose. I thought it had to do with personal peace of mind. Personal peace of mind used to be something I struggled hard to keep and maintain. When i lost it, I struggled hard to find it. Sometimes I still entertain the thought and desire it. Scratch that. Many times throughout my days I engross myself in the thought of obtaining it again, of basing my life on my human conception of peace. I have a list of things that I consider my "magic bullet" that will kill my insatiable desire for something más allá that will bring me this peace. The magic bullet is made up of things. Things like ideal jobs, living situations, loves, travels, knowledge, journeys, accomplishments, etc. I either need a bigger magic bullet to kill the desire instead of maiming, or I need to take better aim.

Life gets complicated when trying to construct plans to find my human understanding of peace once again. My composed plans complicate relationships, day to day functionality, or even simple tasks like getting out of bed. Are these my own idiosyncracies? Must I embrace them and just learn to live with them? If so, I am learning slowly and meticulously. I've had glimpses of it working and I've found it hiding in some peculiar places.

The grandiose peace of God. It supersedes my understanding of peace and is hard to swallow sometimes. I don't know exactly where I need to go from there, but that is ok. I will simplify that and be grateful that my direction is rooted in my Father in heaven. But when you worship a God that is everywhere and in everything, direction takes on a new embodiment. This conflict is mostly, if not completely, internal for me. People say i'm laid back. For me the internal conflict between unconcern and a sense of purpose is ardent which makes me feel otherwise.

"If personal peace of mind is the highest good we can imagine, life with other people becomes difficult, especially when we are divided by cultures, values, education, or class."

From The Wisdom of Stability by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove

Just kindly collectin my thoughts

Apart from enjoying teaching English and my new job as a highschool Social Studies teacher. This is what i've been getting into lately.

Currently Reading:

King A Biography by David Levering Lewis

Martin Luther King Jr. speaking on non-violence

"We've come to see that this method is not a weak method. For it's the strong man who can stand up amid opposition . . . . You see, this method has a way of disarming the opponent. It exposes his moral defenses . . . and he just doesn't know what to do."

No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy

"People complain about the bad things that happen to em that they dont deserve but they seldom mention the good. About what they done to deserve them things. I dont recall that I ever give the good Lord all that much cause to smile on me. But he did."

La Violencia del Amor by Oscar Romero

"Esa violencia no es la de la espada,

la del odio.

Es la violencia del amor,

la de la fraternidad,

la que quiere convertir las armas

en hoces para el trabajo."

"This violence is not of the sword,

nor is it of hate.

It is the violence of love,

it is the love of brotherhood (community),

It's the love that wants to turn weapons

into sickles for work."

Currently listening to:

Clams Casino (thanks to Bryce for the recomendation)

"Quimey Nequén" by José Larralde

or listen to Chancha Vía Circuito's remix to hear José Larralde mixed with cumbia.

Just got the new AA Bondy album, Believers. My favorite track so far is "Drmz"

Some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head lately:

After watching a movie on Oscar Romero about 5 months ago I have been on this kick, a non-violent kick. Reading more about Archbishop Romero led me to read more about Martin Luther King Jr.

I began listening to more speeches, read more articles about him and the Civil Rights movement. In July I had the opportunity to visit the King Center in Atlanta. This is when I started to ask this question, "Why wasn't this taught in any of my church's or school's growing up, or at least mentioned more often?" I mean seriously! I went to evangelical churches and private schools.

I had this feeling that I had been kept in the dark, guided towards clutching to a path comfort. Yes, I am blessed to have the education and up-bringing that I had. I am not ungrateful. But it is important to look back and challenge it. Ask questions.

Technically, I am from the South, or should I say Texas (Although I was born in the land where true cowboys come from, Wyoming). I am still not 100% sure why my interest in the Civil Rights has peaked this year, but it may have a lot to do with growing up in the South and even more to do with my awesome parents that were able to expose me to multi-cultural environments when I was younger.

Although I have those multi-cultural experiences to look back on, I still struggle with many barriers that are engrained in me because of my class, race, and human nature. I can count on one hand (maybe 3 fingers) the times I have been the only white guy in a church, bus, or room.

One of the latest of these experiences was during my time back in the states this year in South Atlanta. As I rode the bus from downtown Atlanta to the south. I could feel it. The barriers. The history. The brokenness. The racism seething from inside. The depravity of the human nature. I loved the realness as my uncomfortable situation exposed my depravity. The vulnerability I felt as my comfort disintegrated was overwhelming. Maybe it was just me, but i felt it.

I find myself wondering why would I want more interactions like that? I am confident that it is because in those moments Jesus' true love for me is so vivid as he reveals himself as superior to the evilness of segregation, guilt, accusations, racism, bitterness, and ignorance.This is not because I fully understand love, but because the one who created me has invited me to walk in this love solely by recognizing that I am not able to and he is.

// Balance //

There are moments when I have my hands completely open as if I was shunning God away. As I slowly move back into "normalcy" I am constantly asking Him to show me how to grasp hold of the Truth that He is never changing, all powerful, and the greatest love I have and will ever know.

I want Balance. The only God that chose to walk and experience life as a human, Jesus Christ, is the only truth that can bring me that balance. I am so grateful that He wants me and loves me in every moment, even when my hands don't want to grasp to Him. I pray that I can filter every thought, word, action, and idea through His love.

We should learn how to die.

Then he said to them all:

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross DAILY and follow me. ²⁴ For whoever wants to save their life will LOSE it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."

- Jesus, the Liberating King.

Jesus tells us that we have to die to ourselves to really be alive. Because the problem lies within humanity. But God loves humanity because he created humanity. He doesn't want us to do things for Him. He WANTS us. That is it. He wants to be loved. Just like we want to be loved. Each human being is an image bearer of God. We are able to do that if we die to everything we think we are, deserve, have, or don't have here on earth. Because of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection we are able to be pure and acceptable in God's sight and strive to love Him who loved us first.

I like this song. Great musicians created it. They bear the image of God. They may not believe in Jesus but this song speaks to me. I try not to limit God. If he can use donkeys and me as a messenger of His truth, why wouldn't He be able to reveal truth to me through this song?

"You have to learn how to die
if you want to want to be alive"

Yankee go home!

Damn yankees.